Since I've Began

Since the time I have begun blogging, it is clear to see what people search for when looking up things on Google. My short stories had decent views when they were first published, however there has been one subject that always get the most attention. Self harm. Suicide. Death. These subjects, as the titles of some of my posts have proven, get many views. Most of my posts see between 6-10 views. The "Life or Death" post saw a rise of around 100 views, which is a huge difference. Not to mention my painful/die rhyme had an upwards of 30 views. It is so easy to see the majority of what people search for in this day in age. Maybe we're all just sad, desperate, and lonely. Maybe we want to escape this cruel reality and venture off to a land where, in reality, our eyes will be shut, underground. I know this feeling all to well. My hopes of changing myself are slim and it could be said that I already have "One foot in the grave." I'm not suicidal anymore, however I still do have deep, dark thoughts which plague my existence. Maybe someday all of this will end and things will be better. If there is anything called "good" in this toxic society.

Thank You

Thanks to all the people who have been viewing my blog recently
I've noticed that after I post something, within minutes, there has been 6+ views
To me that is an accomplishment and I'm glad to see continuous people viewing
It would be amazing if someone actually commented
But it's nice to see you nonetheless
Thank you
-Jordan

Alone Time

This is another time when she requested to be alone and of course I'll allow that, I know people need to be alone, but I wish she'd talk about it up front instantly. This would allow me to help her rather than her sit in a pit of sorrow attempting to remove whatever pain it is from her mind by playing Osu!. I'd rather he straight up say what's on her mind so that I could help her. Maybe I'm just being insensible to her thoughts and actions. But one thing I wish I could always know is "What is wrong?" because if I knew the answer to that question then I could comfort her to the best of my abilities, but messaging me saying you need time alone only scares me, it worries me, and pains me to think about whats wrong, and if this is just sounding like I'm crazy, well, it's because I tend to worry more than I should and end up over exaggerating the image in my head of what's going on rather then envisioning the reality.

In Silence

"Why can't you just sit here and enjoy my company in silence?"
Because, sitting here makes me think about things I'd rather not remember or go deeper into.

Why?

Sometimes life is unfair, unjust and it may continue to be like this for a very long time. But maybe, if you're lucky, life will be come fair and balance out all the bad things that have happen. I always remind myself of this when I think of death, because this is the only belief keeping me alive.

Can't Wait

Can't wait till they die and fall
Can't wait to kill them all
Can't wait to see my life change
Can't wait to see things strange
Can't wait to go insane
Can't wait to see my brain
Can't wait to die
Can't wait to cry
Can't wait to forget
Can't wait to quit

Life or Death?

Life or death...what does it matter? As long as I'm not on this planet...things will be better. Antigone followed Gods laws instead of Man's and she committed suicide, yet was she punished by the gods? Life is all around depressing. Nothing ever changes.

"Conversation Starting Pt.2"

Conversations can be still, conversations can be tough. Some are easy and simple, "How was your day" and "What did you do earlier/yesterday?". For me it's an entirely different issue. I conversation on the moment. Coming up with new topics is something I can't do. I speak for the moment, whats currently going on. If there is nothing going on then I don't have anything to talk about. I sit on my computer all day playing games, watching YouTube, Twitch, Vessel, not really doing anything with my life. I'm up to date with world news and have an interest in Computer Engineering, but overall I don't do anything worth talking about. "What about the person you're talking too, surely they have something that will continue the conversation". Depends on the person. The one I want to impress and talk to the most is someone who is like me. She's similar in many ways, but she wants to talk about many things, but we don't know anything to talk about, and I think she dislikes me for that. One of her examples was "Imagine conversations as a blanket, I want to be wrapped up in the blanket, it doesn't matter if I'm warm or cold". I want to make her warm and entice her in an engaging conversation, however...I have nothing to talk about. Past, present, or future. Nothing. She slept all day almost so how can I ask "How was your day" or "What did you do today?". Me and her barely leave our rooms, and we probably wouldn't if it wasn't for food or school. But either way, how can someone start a conversation when they know nothing. "Share personal stories or things about your life". But what if I've already talked about me, my past, and what I want to become, and what if she also did the same? Then what? What am I supposed to be able to accomplish in a blank conversations. To sum it up, I think in the now, not last week, or next month, I can only talk about what's currently going on, and anything around me, daily conversations don't work, so what now?
What should I do? I don't even know. Hopefully something will change my boring self, maybe one day.

Problems

Should I just give up and give in? Thoughts race through my mind but to no avail...I have no answer. It's hard for me. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a social person? Should I just sit behind a monitor everyday and ignore life for what it is? Pretend nothing exists outside of this small space I call my "room"? Maybe things will change in the future, but for now I just have problems. A whole ton of problems due to my stupidity and not wanting to say or change things.

"Conversation Starting"

I've never been good at starting conversations, then again my entire life has been sitting here, in my room, at a desk in front of a computer screen. I don't go outside or really interact with people...besides in school. I feel bad whenever I'm talking to someone, say for instance on Skype, and I can't even come up with simple topics to talk about. I like talking to people about things that are currently going on when I'm gaming or stuff. For example, one of my friends, when playing Counter-Strike, I can easily strike up a conversation since we're both playing the same game together. However when it's someone who I am not playing games with it's a different story. I try to think of many different topics, however I don't want to talk about something that has already been said or mentioned before. Sure a simple "How was your day" is a nice start, but how long will that conversation honestly last for? I think at most, depending on the events that happened in the day, I'd say around 5-10 minutes. My Skype calls normally go on for more than 2+ hours...how am I supposed to fill those other 110-115 minutes? Sure you can say, talk about the future, their interest, and jobs...but what if those have already been discussed extensively. And if you're a person like me, you don't have many things to talk about your life. I play video games, but if that person doesn't extensively play video games...then the conversation goes no where. I watch Anime, but if the other person watches a small amount or none at all, the conversation once again goes no where. I wish to one day be able to start conversations...maybe I need to do more with my life than sit here and type this giant paragraph, but I know nothing will change. I enjoy sitting here, alone, typing, rather than going outside and taking a breath of fresh air. Since there will be no change, sadly I probably will never achieve my wish of being able to come up with topics. Maybe there's just something wrong with me...and me only.

Utsukushī mada aku (美しいまだ悪) Chapter 3: Problems Arise

Chapter 3: Problems Arise

            With little warning, the girl I just met told me to get ready for my life to become hell. I wasn’t sure of what to think of this. Of course I knew it was bad, but I didn’t understand anything at all.

            “So you want me to leave with you right now? What about Nariko? I can’t leave her. Also why should I trust you? You haven’t even told us your name yet!”

            “Fuck you’re annoying! I don’t even have a name. People call me Kuro Kaminari no Shoujo.

            “Wait…they call you ‘Dark Thunder Girl’…what kind of name is that?”

            “I told you dumbass! It’s NOT a name. It’s just what people call me. I’ve never had a name.”

            As suddenly as she had said that she picked me up and flew high into the sky with me. Past the clouds above and beyond what any human had ever seed without being in an airplane. We soured through the sky until we took a plunge all the way down, deep underwater. In the middle of the Sea of Japan we went down until we fell into a place with oxygen.

            “This place is what you refer to as Heaven…didn’t expect it to be under water now did ya?”

            “No…this is cool and all…but I never agreed to this. We just Nariko behind. Why couldn’t you take her with us?”

            “She isn’t needed nor is she special at all. Anyways, this Island used to float into the sky until humans became greedy of what was hidden inside of it. After all we wouldn’t let mere humans tread on this land so easily.”

            “So this really used to be what humans imagined Heaven to be like, huh?”

            “Yup…Now it’s just a sunken island. The reason why we can breathe down here is because its protected by a force-field like substance that protects us from water flooding and ultimately making it unbreathable down here. This used to be my home for a while.”

“You lived in Heaven?”         

“Sadly…yes. I died a very young age and was given another chance at life by protecting the human race. To add to that I don’t remember the times before I died so I’m not even sure who killed me or for what reason…”

“Sorry…for asking such a painful question”

“It’s fine. Remember? I don’t have any memories before I died so there’s nothing to be sad about and soon you won’t either!”

All of a sudden I felt weak, fell to my knees and grabbed my chest. I passed out. I later figured what had happen while I was knocked out…and I wasn’t pleased

Utsukushī mada aku (美しいまだ悪) Chapter 2: Existence

Chapter 2: Existence

                The people walking down there, did they truly exist? All we know is that they disappeared without a trace shortly after the encounter with the Aku No Ferō. Later on me and Nariko met at my place to discuss what had happened.

            My mother had put us some tea in my room and left us alone. She’s very calm and trusting. Therefore she questioned nothing, even though this is the first time Nariko has been in my room let alone a girl who is not in my family.

            “So..what do you think that was all about Nairko?”

            “How am I suppoed to know? I asked you the same question when that ‘thing’ appeared!”

            “Well…for starters…those people…they disappeared...”

            At that time we didn’t know of what was to come in our near future…and how Nariko would be left behind and I would have to join a world not known to humans.

            All of a sudden there was a thunder storm and the power went out. I and Nariko sat there calmly talking about casual things waiting for the power to come back. My mother brought a candle into the room, sat it down, and then left. About 10 minutes later the power flicked back on and suddenly we were greeted with an unfamiliar face from the darkness of my bedroom window. Nariko, still shaken from today’s encounter instantly backed off and hid behind me.

            “Who are you? How the hell did you even get to the second story window?”

            “Rude. Is that how you greet everyone who is just trying to help? I come from Ten jōki no jinrui, in simpler terms what humans call ‘Heaven’…although it’s not what they make it out to be.”

            “So you’re not here to do whatever that ‘thing’ did to them earlier?”

            “No, do I look like a fucking monster? No. I didn’t think so”

            At that time I couldn’t even begin to imagine that this girl was going to be my partner in the future. She began to explain everything that happened today.

            “So basically, that ‘thing’ you saw today is known as an Aku No Ferō or Fellow of Evil. They consume the human soul for more power, since all they believe in is that however is stronger should be their leader…although they rarely move in groups. When the human soul is eaten it must be quickly replaced with a substitute. They continue to live for a short time. During that short time everything that involves them slowly disappears including memories with that person. Eventually no one will remember them and they will disappear from this world without a trace. There is no way to save them since they are already dead”

            “Basically, me and Nariko are lucky that the Aku No Ferō didn’t spot us? Otherwise we wouldn’t be living right now?”

            “Maybe Nariko wouldn’t live, but you…you have a strong soul… its possible you could be of some use to me. Get ready for the rest of your life to be hell.”

Utsukushī mada aku (美しいまだ悪) Chapter 1: Aku No Ferō

Chapter 1: Aku No Ferō

My name is Jirou Araki. I have just been promoted to the 9^th grade yet nothing feels to have changed. They say that when you get to high school you lose your friends and life changes, I have yet to feel that. Everything is normal, Nariko is always being annoying, Kato is being a smartass as usual, and Ueda is reading an advanced book.

Back then I thought nothing would ever change in this boring world. All you do is study stuff you’ll never use in life and then get a job and work for most of your life before retiring. This boring processes of life was interrupted when the air became thin and everything froze.

“Jirou! What’s happening? Why is everyone not moving? Why is the air thin? Why is everything so dark?” screamed Nariko. “How am I supposed to know? This isn’t something that happens every day. Wait…what is that outside”? Suddenly Jirou spots what appears to be a big deformed snake. It’s tongue is missing, when it opens its mouth it’s like looking into a pit of darkness.

“What should we do Jirou?”

“Nothing for now, just don’t let it see you”

Suddenly they see below them the snake slowly devouring a blue sphere which was inside a human. He did this to many more. When Jirou and Nariko thought it was going to continue and eventually find them, he disappeared as if he was never there. The darkness subsided and they could breathe easily again. Everyone began talking and moving as if nothing happened besides Jirou and Nariko who were lost of words. The people whose sphere where eaten continued walking as if nothing happened.

“…What…was that…?”

“What was what?” Kato said.

“Nothing…” whispered Nariko as she faced towards Jirou who was still in shock.

“How could they not have noticed? That thing just did something to them and they’re just continuing on with their lives…how come?” Jirou said as he stared at them walking past the school.

What could that have been? We know it all too well now, but back then there was nothing to prove that what we just saw happen, actually happened. Until later that day…we say one of the people whose sphere had been eaten…they slowly disappeared without a trace right in front of us and everyone continued walking as if nothing had ever happened.

Utsukushī mada aku (美しいまだ悪) Prologue

Utsukushī mada aku

美しいまだ悪

This story may seem similar to Shakugan No Shana because it inspired me to write this.

Prologue

“Kuro kaminari no Shoujo” is what she’s called. Apart of a big group, Yōsu, all aiming for one goal, to eliminate the world from those who take our soul known as Aku No Ferō. Yet humans continue to roam around care-free as if nothing is going on…since they don’t know what is truly happening. The sad truth is that humans can’t see the Aku No Ferō. Aku No Ferō comes from an alternate universe which is an exact replica of our current Earth. They feasted on all humans there until there were none. All of the Yōsu were killed along with the humans and even though the Ferō could live without eating more, they wanted more power and therefore decided to move to a realm with humans. The King of Ferō announced their plans to go to our universe, me and her.

Life?

Is life lost? Is it over? How can I tell? I always feel either very happy or seriously depressed. Maybe it's my fake smile that brings me true happiness when the sharp blade of a knife pierces my skin. The many marks that have been left on my arm. Those scars shall never leave, and will always remind me that i'm addicted and shall never escape. All this started with one small cut. Just for relief from the everyday stress. Sadly, it's become a daily motivator. Without it I am nothing but a pile of meat. If I end my life now, maybe i'll be remembered? That's a question, that may be answered another time, but not now, not like this.

Future Goals

     As an avid and competitive gamer I wish to eventually move on with life. Currently, if you are unaware, I am now a Sophomore in high school. Still really young and not much money, however I still wish to do what I can for now. I am a YouTuber so my future plan for that is to get better audio, recording, and gaming equipment. Things are about to get REALLY nerdy so get ready. Currently I want to make my switch to Intel from my AMD FX8320 8-core 3.5ghz processor. Some may say this processor is amazing, however for rendering, editing, and finally playing CPU intense games such as Arma 3, it's almost impossible to get more than 30fps. Therefore I plan to move over to an i7-4790k. This will be very costly considering i'm in high school and needing to get $450, considering the processor is $330 and the motherboard will most likely be $120. Then I must consider my current recording set-up. I have a Logitech G430 and in need to get a Blue Yeti Pro or something of equal value. This will also be expensive since I will need to buy an arm for the microphone to be above my computer along with a plot filter. Afterwards it'll be all set. This in total will be very close to $750 in total and will definitely take time. If you like my poems, videos here, or just wish to support me; you can donate here. It's fine if you don't have a twitch username you can just insert your name and leave a message for me to read. All funds will go directly to supporting me and my dream grow. Thank you all for reading. 

"Painful" Rhyme (ABABCDCD)

I continue to live
With nothing but my pain
O' what I wouldn't give
For all my life to drain
For me to be happy
Ridden from this Earth
Rather than being slow and sappy
Finally lifted from this curse

"Die" Rhyme

Why is this blue?
Do you even have a clue?

After all you're a witch

A stupid little bitch

You act all groomed

But soon you'll be doomed
Why did it turn black?
Your head is about to crack

"I Lost the Battle." Sonnet

Cutting sickens me
but it's my only joy
It's all over my arm as you can see
All I am is a saddened boy
Nothing very important at all
Besides, I want to be rid of this life
Slowly starting to fall
All I can think of is my strife
Not like I was needed
Since I lost my only love
Even though I pleaded
I was the one to take the shove
All my life was just a waste
But with my life nearing it's end, the freedom I can taste

Self Harm Sonnet

Feel that pounding in your chest

Doesn't it make you wish for death

Sitting there all depressed

Attempting to calm your breath

You inflict self-harm

Once you look down you see

The cuts all over your arm

Then you begin to think "What has become of me?"

But it's too late because you're addicted

As if you were affixed

In your head, you're mentally conflicted

All of your feelings are mixed

After very little thought you take your life

All this started with a cut of a knife

"This Tainted World" (Rhyme Scheme AABBCCDDEEFFGGHHIIJJ)

As you begin to grind

Why don't you attempt to find

The real me

As for I cannot see

I appear to be blind

In a world all inside my mind

Everyone sits and cries

Eventually everyone dies

In a world where we are all lonely

We look desperately for one person only

Then, you find me on a night so bright

All alone, you and I, you give me sight

To this worthless world tainted in red dye

Even the blind understand and cry

After being pushed aside and shoved

We ask ourselves "Why should we be loved?"

Feeling like i'm stuck in a small zone

You crawl to me and begin to groan

"This world isn't real, but only to us"

For that is the truth in which we trust

Secrets of This World Ch.1

-FICTION-

Secrets. Everyone has them...correct? However, did you know this world also keeps secret's hidden from us? Ah yes...you're missing quite a lot of them in everyday life. If only you knew what we have been kept from all our life. Most people believe witches aren't real...but who can say they aren't? Just because some scientists who is well known and went to college said it doesn't mean it's true. Even if the entire world agreed on one thing to be fake there is still a possibility it is real. Humans also give dictionary terms to what things are, however, they could always be different from what they seem. What about Succubus? Oh sorry, you may not know what those are. Succubus are demon-like girls who appear in your dreams and seduce you through "sexual activity". Normally these are folktale, however they're real. Of course you may not believe me, considering you're just now learning about the secrets our world has kept from us. The Succubus we know today have taken the form of humans, however they still feed off the lust of men and are able to consume that as a type of energy;think of never getting tired or hungry as long as you thought like a pervert. That's basically how Succubus are now. They're not alone thought. Most Succubus are with what we commonly know as a "Witch". No. Witches don't use broomsticks to fly around magically. They can barely use spells and yet you expect them to be able to control a broomstick or any object and magically fly? At a young age we're told many things, since we're young and naive we believe almost anything we hear. But is what we hear really true? I know religion is a sensitive topic for most, but this relates heavily to it. A long time ago people came up with the theory that something known as a "God" created the Earth and everything on it, but how do we know it's true? It's just like everything you heard as a child. The religions were past on through many years and have now reached us...but is that the "true" religion? Not really. Back in the days of the Roman Catholic Church, before the Printing Press, the monks would hand write every single bible. The bibles were not handed out to the people and many local priests manipulated the teachings of God and Jesus for greater good or because of selfishness. Some people made it better such as inflicting punishments for sins therefore reducing the amount of wrongdoers. Once the Printing Press was founded they made copies of the bible, but was that the original bible? Also you must keep in mind the bible we read today in our common church has been written over a span of more than 1500 years and more than 40 authors. Out of 40 at least 1/3 have had differing opinion and most likely wrote something that they believed rather than what God believed. All this ties together into us believing what people of higher social rankings say. Going back to my point earlier just because someone "important" said it doesn't always make it true. Whether you believe in what they say or not is up to you. After all you have no reason to believe what I just said. Also keep in mind that just because it says FICTION at the top it doesn't mean it's fiction...but who really knows?

Untitled Story Ch.2

As the war remained frozen and still both sides wondered “What happened” all they saw were the two going head to head in combat and then just disappearing with a bright light which leveled the area. “So…do you think they’ll be coming back” said Nahoko interrupting the silence. “I don’t know, maybe they’ll come back and destroy what’s left on the terrain” Jin jokingly said. “Maybe they went to the other world…hmm…Maybe we could visit them” said Nahoko feeling excited. “What???? You found a way to jump worlds?” screamed Tokika. “What do you expect from a crazy girl who’s been dead for the past 15 years” said Jin. Nahoko died an early death. She was only around 2 years old when it happened. Her Mom and Dad were in an argument in the car while driving. Her father suspected her mom of cheating because he thought he saw her with another man. Soon enough the argument ended. A propane carrying truck was right in front of them and in less than a second *boom*. Nothing was left of their car, only flames. Nahoko also doesn’t have her memories. This is common because dying is a huge shock. To know you’re dead and never see the world again along with your friends and family really knocks your brain out cold. “Don’t make fun of me! I’m smarter than you! I know, I’ll teleport you to the human world first! Haha~” said Nahoko in a “Royal” attitude. Jin quickly said “Do it. I wouldn’t mind. If anything it’d be fun to terrorize some humans, after all they don’t know we exist”. “Alrighty then! I’m going to actually send you Okay~” Nahoko responded in a cute voice. It worked, the experiment worked and Jin was sent to the Human world, Nahoko soon followed and left Tokika to look after the place. They appear to have landed in a bush. “Wow. Something you made…worked…this is a first”. “Excuse me, I make a ton of thing that work…just not the way intended” Nahoko quickly remarked. “WOOAH, it’s a city…I can see humans, cars, animals!!! Ahhh this is amazing!  I just want to study them” said Nahoko bursting out with joy. “First we need to find were we are and whether or not the Lord and Queen are nearby” said Jin ignoring what Nahoko wanted to do. They weren’t the only ones in the area. They presumed it was all safe because it was a bush about 500ft away from the entrance to the city, however two mysterious characters with silky braided outfits stood slightly behind them at a higher elevation. They smirk on their face showed that something was going to happen, but who are they?

-Untitled Story- Please give feedback

   In the world we know today, there was a secret world not known to the human realm. Inside a parallel world these battles happen in large scales. The world looks exactly as it does now, however the parallel world is being destroyed by the many wars carried out by the Demon Lord and Angelic Queen. They agreed beforehand that the Demon’s would not attack Humans but instead would create a separate world for the battles, this was the agreement between the two. How you get enlisted in the army, is as simple as dying. When a human dies they are thrown before judges known as an Arbiter. They simply judge the humans based off of their thoughts in everyday life, actions, and addictions. Normally once they die they’d be sent to Heaven or Hell and continue to live their days there, Hell being filled with poverty and a communistic system while Heaven being a paradise. The overall goal of the Demon Lord “Kuramochi Kyoshi” is to defeat the Angels and conquer all of Heaven for himself. But what goes on in the Human world? Nothing. They don’t notice a thing, it’s a separate dimension remember? Until Shigi Nahoko found a tear between their universe and the original universe.

   “Yes! With only a few more steps and ingredients I will be able to find the Human world! I’ve always wondered what Humans look like, Jin-san, do you think they taste good?” said Nahoko excited and hungry. “How am I supposed to know, the most we know about humans is that they were sent here when they died, plus we’re much better than the humans anyways.  They’d probably tremble with fear if they saw me” replied Jin with his arrogant attitude as always. Osagiri Jin, A 17 year old who died by a robber in front of his girlfriend, he no longer contains the memories of his past life. Shigi Nahoko, scientist of sorts in the Underworld, she’s only 16 but has made the greatest progress in defeating the Angels. “Trouble has arrived! The Angel Queen and Demon Lord just went head to head and we can’t find them! They disappeared!” screamed Tokika, the Demon Lords right hand man. Nahoko and Jin started their sprint towards the outside to figure out what had happened. They weren’t aware of anything because they were underground about 3,500ft. When they arrived to the top everything was leveled. No buildings, tree’s, cars, nothing. “How can this be? Was the Demon Lord really defeated” feared Jin. “It appears both of them disappeared, but that’s stupid…two people can’t just disappear into thin air” questioned Tokika. It appears as though the Demon Lord and Angel Queen has disappeared and the war broke silent still, just what was happening? 

·       Characters

·       Humans

 Green=Good Bad=Red

 Demon side/ Angel Side

·        Male

Okamura, Toshiaki

Kuramochi, Kyoshi

Sakuraba, Terumoto

Anzai, Tokaji

·        Female

Toshishai, Rikako

Ohba, Nami

Handa, Masumi

Shimada, Kiriko

Ueda, Yoriko

·       Non-Human

·        Male

Ajibana, Arata

Osaragi, Jin

Matsuda, Kakuei

Oonishi, Yoshio

·        Female

Takemago, Haru

Shigi, Nahoko

Satake, Shizue

Yoshioka, Kaede