Life?

Is life lost? Is it over? How can I tell? I always feel either very happy or seriously depressed. Maybe it's my fake smile that brings me true happiness when the sharp blade of a knife pierces my skin. The many marks that have been left on my arm. Those scars shall never leave, and will always remind me that i'm addicted and shall never escape. All this started with one small cut. Just for relief from the everyday stress. Sadly, it's become a daily motivator. Without it I am nothing but a pile of meat. If I end my life now, maybe i'll be remembered? That's a question, that may be answered another time, but not now, not like this.