シニタイちゃん

"Have you tried crossing over yet?"

Change

Can you describe me as I am now
Or would you even know how
I've changed myself over and over, infinitely repeating
My true self has seriously taken a beating
Why do we have to change to fit others needs
Just trail and error until we succeed
But will they like me after all of this
After I lost my true self in the abyss
Why can't we just be accepted for who we are
I can't imagine that to be too bizarre
We're humans, we hate change
But yet we want others to change, how strange
I will try one last time to cover my palette
I hope this doesn't start with a brush and end with a mallet

Empty World "Chapter 3: Emptiness"

I was wrong. Turning to the mirror revealed a dark spot going full circle around my neck. This time my mind was in pieces. I ran away faster and further than I ever had. I ended up about 4 miles away from the jewelry store. There I found an old motel that was $20 a night. I had $30 left and I would’ve slept outside instead if it hadn’t been for these illusions. The first thing I did was dive straight under the covers and refused to peek out until dawn. Suddenly I woke up, but I was in a white bed with white covers and white pillows. The entire room was blank just like the one I saw when I passed out in the alleyway. Once again, the menacing door with the upside down cross scared me. The mirror was in the corner like before but this time cracked. The door creaked open and from the little crack I could see darkness, nothing but pure calming darkness. Then I woke up. In the morning, I used the bathroom outside in fear of seeing my reflection in the motels bathroom mirror. 

Empty World "Chapter 2: Darkening"

I was concerned. The sun is out and it’s only 3pm…so why do I not have a shadow? I thought maybe if I walked a bit further past the store maybe it would re-appear or maybe I’m seeing things again, but it was no use. I walked for almost a full mile down to the grassy plains where once again, I could not see my shadow. I saw a farmer working the fields in the distance so I ran up to him and asked “Do you see my shadow?”. He continued his work without answering my question. After repeating myself almost ten times he finally said “Sorry, I didn’t notice you there. Your shadow? Yeah, I see it, why? Something bothering you?” Once again, I was in relief, but why can’t I see my own shadow I wondered. Walking slowly back into town, relieved but confused, there was a jewelry store with a mirror outside, once again I turned towards it, but this time with confidence that I was just seeing things.

Empty World "Chapter 1: Consuming"

       I was running. Back to my home? No. I was now without one. I guess you could call me a failure; a disappointment. I ran away from home at the age of 14 and have been hoping around from homeless shelter to homeless shelter ever since. I was once in an orphanage, there I met my first “friend” Fuko. It’s funny her name meant “unhappiness” in Japanese because that’s what she alluded to in the end, but not her unhappiness, mine. Although she didn’t talk much, I considered her a friend and would often steal food from the local farmers’ market for me and her when the orphanage was having a financial crisis, but when she figured out I was stealing instead of earning money and paying for it, she ratted me out. That was when I was 16, now I’m 18, running away from what may have just been a dream. I made it to the nearby clothing store in which I went inside and sat down in a changing room, here I believed I was safe until I took a look into the wide mirror. There I saw myself, once again, without eyes, but this time my mouth was stitched together and my hair was completely white. I was so concerned and frantic that I ran outside to the cashier and asked them what color was my hair and if I looked okay, the cashier replied “Your hair is brownish and uhm…you look like you need to rest”. In a brief moment of relief, I stood there praying that this was all an illusion, an imagination due to that unsettling dream. The rain had cleared away and the sun was out so I walked outside, but then I noticed…I had no shadow.

Empty World "Prologue"

It was raining. The freezing temperature was obvious by the sight of my breathe when I exhaled. Although it had just started raining I was already soaked. I was alone, caught by the freezing rain and driven into a nearby alleyway for shelter. The buildings were packed closely together and due to the roofing, I could stay there without the rain catching me. It was there that I fainted and awoke in a land unknown. It was a white colorless room about the size of classroom.  There was one door with an upside down cross on it painted red. There was also furniture that I failed to notice due to it all being pale. There was a mirror in the far corner of the room. It was at that mirror that, for the first time, I had felt so scared. I gleamed into the clean mirror and saw myself, without eyes, the sockets where my eyes had been replaced with a black mass. It looked like a kindergarten kid didn’t know how to draw eyes so they drew black circles instead. Then with a loud bang the door with the upside cross has slung open and from it a shadow and then I woke up. I was back, back in that same alleyway I had been in. Looking around hastily I got up and ran in fear that the dream was a warning; a foreshadowing of a disillusioned future. 

Unspoken Words - Sonnet

If I end up dying
I don't care anymore
It's better than crying
And leaving my heart sore
Better than painting my arms
Dyeing them dark red
Awaiting deaths alluring charms
Just waiting for me to end up dead
Slowly draining away my life
Every little last drop
Falling down from this dull knife
Every little "drip" makes my head pop
But that's okay, I'm already broken
Broken due to words unspoken